Parents Should Ignore Their Children More

September 15, 2024

Adapted from Darby Saxbe

Dr.Saxbe is a clinical psychologist and a professor of psychology at hte University of Southern California. Her research focuses on the neurobiological adaptaions to parenting.

Recently, I interviewed Barry Hewlett, an anthropologist who studies child-rearing in hunter-gatherer societies of Central Africa. He explained that in these communities, children spend a lot of time with their parents--following them throughout the day and helping with tasks like foraging--but they are rarely the main focus of their parents' attention. These children, sometimes bored, sometimes busy, spend much of their time observing adults doing adult things.

In contrast, parents in contemporary industrialized societies often do the opposite. During our precious non-working hours, we palce our children at the center of attention, consciously engaging and entertaining them. We drive them t o sports practices and music lessons, where adults supervies and monitor them instead of the other way around. We prioritize "quality time" over quantity of time. And when we do drag our children along to boring adult errands, we feel guilty about it.

This intense and often chaotic style of parenting demands much more effort than the one Professor Hewlett described. Last month, when I read U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy's warning that many parents' stress has reached a breaking point, I found myself thinking about those hunter-gatherers. One of the reasons for this worrisome situation, I believe, is that we don't ignore our children enough.

Modern parenting not only leaves adults exhausted but also operates under assumptions about what childern need to grow, assumptions unsupported by our evolutionary history. For most of human history, people had many children, who roamed around in intergenerational social groups with minimal supervision. A "standard, well-meaning neglectful daycare" might be closer to the historical experience of childcare than spending the day doting on a single child.

Of course, just because a parenting style is ancient doesn't mean it's good. But humans have spent about 90% of their collective time on Earth as hunter-gatherers, and our brains and dobies continuously evolved and adapted to that lifestyle. Hunter-gatherers cultures teach us something essential about how children are prepared to learn.

Inspired by these societies, one parenting philosophy suggests that one of the best things we can do for our children--and for ourselves--is to continue living our own lives, with our children "in tow." You might call it "intentional under-parenting."

Children learn not only through direct instruction but also by observing and imitating the befavior of those around them--whether it's berry-picking, changing a tire, or relaxing with friends after a long day at work. From a young age, this observation helps prepare them for adulthood.

More importantly, taggin along with adults teaches children to tolerate boredom, forstering patience, resourcefulness, and creativity. Neuroscience shows that a resting brain isn't idle. Research tells us that when the brain is left to its own devices, it gets busy--specifically, it tends to think about others' thoughts. If you want to raise empathetic, imaginative, and self-entertaining children, don't over-stimulate their brains.

A great way to bore your children is to take them to visit elderly relatives and make them listen to long adult conversations about family members they don't know. Routine trips to the post office or the bank can also create valuable opportunities for boredom.

On these outings, leave your child's screen at home to amplofy the boredom. This also forces parents to increase their tolerance for their child's restlessness, a critical aspect of under-parenting. Parents often feel the need to engage their children in "fun" activitiesto pull them away from screens. But by teaching kids to crave constant external stimulation and entertainment, intensive parenting exacerbates screen dependency.

To be clear, when children are distressed, in danger, or need guidance, parents should absolutely step in. But that's the point: Only by ignoring our children most of the time can we save the necessary energy to fully attend to them when they truly need it.

In recent years, there's been much hand-wringing about so-called "helicopter parents" and their helpelssly pampered children. But we rarely discuss what parents should actually do. In an  ideal world, we would let our kids roam free outside, unsupervised. As a child in a small Ohio town in the 1990s, my borthers and I played for hours in the creek behund our house, with plenty of time to enjoy ourselves--and to get bored. But when that "free-range" experience isn't feasible, intentional under-parenting is the next best thing.

This approach could take the form of not only bringing children along on boring errands but also involving them in adult work, social activities, or exercise. One day at the gym, I saw a father bring his 4-year-old son along. The two took turns practicing martial arts moves under a coach's supervision. While waiting his turn, the child crawled around the gym or lay on a mat, wathcing his dad practice kicks. Watching this boy, his big eyes absorbing social cues, I thought of all the parents who say they're too busy with their kids to exercise.

At the same time, I thought about all the child-free zones in gyms. Even as parenting has become more intense, public spaces, especially in the U.S., seem increasingly hostile to the presenceof children. I completed my Ph.D. with my toddler in tow at a coffe shop near my house that had a mini play area filled with toys, board books, and space to park a stroller. That shop is now gone, replaced by a sleeker cafe where its's hard to imagine a stray plastic toy--let alone a loud two-year-old.

In countries like German and Spain, it's easier for parents; there, you can find beer gardens and snack bars next to playgrounds. Or in Denmark, parents often park their babies outside in strollers while socializingin cafes. In such places, you canrelax and catch up with friends while your children play--reminding us how much easier parenting becomes when we enjoy the social trust that comes from collective investment in caregiving.

In other words, the "under-parenting" I davocate requires structural changes in our society. It's not just teh obvious solutions that we think mightt relieve parental stress, like family leave of childcare stipends.

It also demands that, as a society, we rebuild tolerance for child tin public sapces, allowing them to be a little annoying and distrptive, while creating safe environments where they can roam freely with light supervision. In a society that views children as a public good, we would collectively care for all kids--which would mean we could worry less about our own.